I very rarely post comments on others blogs, but I did so today. 

YES, I am from the 60’s, so I have seen some of the most cheesy, hair, make-up, movies, music, TV, etc….

I am not a morning person, but I will stay up until 3a.m. (Don’t sleep well.)  The only time I watch TV is at night.  Big fan of CSI’s, Burn Notice, Saving Grace.  On occasion I watch those pseudo reality shows, Family Jewels, Hogan Knows Best, Two Coreys.

The latest show was the Two Corey’s.  The episode I caught was difficult to watch. C.H. talked about how he felt betrayed by C.F., for not “doing something”.  I could relate to that, but could also see where another child would not be able to speak up.  I had a similar situation with my abuser.  He was married to my aunt, so he was welcomed into my family, and made himself very comfortable.

I really don’t think outsiders understand the damage that is done to the victims of sexual abuse.  There are so many negative feelings that go along with it.  Anger, sadness, no confidence, no self worth, hate, rage, self destruction, sleep problems, behavioral issues, lack of trust, constant fear, suicidal tendencies, etc…             Even now I have not told people everything that happened, outsiders would not understand.  From the time I was about 5 until I was 11, I endured physical abuse, but for 30 years it has been private pain.

I don’t want or expect people to feel sorry for me.  If they do, then that makes me unlike the rest of the world.  I just want to fit someplace….. I am very aware that I view people differently, so I will never truly fit.

I envy women that can put themselves on display, without fear.  I have never had that feeling, and have always felt uncomfortable with being sexualized.  Fear holds me back from finding my strength, in appealing to men.  I get uncomfortable when a man finds me attractive, and then wants to give me a casual hug or touch. The fear of being backed into a corner, grabbed, held down, or smothered, is still overwhelming.

I still function as a person, I have a husband, kids, home, a life, but uncertainty, fear, and suspicion taint that.  I work very hard at keeping my self unreadable.  I am emotional, but do so silently.  To show my molester fear, emotion, or anything like that, just got him off.           I will say that I have learned how to have appropriate responses to daily life.  The other part of me is thinking the worst.

I liken victims of abuse to people with Alzheimer’s.  The effects are similar, it’s like dealing with 2 different people.  One in the here and now, and the other still remembering the past.

Trust does not come easily.

While I have never abused drugs or alcohol, I very easily could have.  There was also a time that suicide was my only option.  I really never expected to live to see 21.  Now that I have reached 40, I feel that my life is a gift.  I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There are so many highs and lows in the life of an abuse victim, that I feel that this is one of my highs, and I am waiting for the rug to yanked so I will have another low.  It truly prevents me from enjoying life to the fullest.  I need to work on having real unguarded happy moments.

I’m sure there are many others who feel similar.

This is one of those very negative posts, but I still have hope……….