I like that quote from monty python, I grew up watching that on our PBS station.

I had a laproscopic partial hysterectomy on July 2nd.  I am doing pretty good today.  I was in the hospital overnight, and went home the next afternoon. 

This time under anesthesia was different from last year when I had my Lap-band.  I don’t know if it was the way this hospital handles the pain control, or somethng else.  This time I was just set up with 1ml of morphine every hour, wether I needed it or not.  I remember hearing the music in the O.R., and people talking, and the feeling of falling, and a sudden stop.  I couldn’t tell you what was said, but I do remember the music was loud, and thinking that I thought it would have been quieter.    For the next few days I would have “night jumps”, just as I was falling into a deep sleep, my whole body would jump, and I would wake up.  I also have the feeling of hearing conversations, but not being able to remember what was said.

Weird and strange.

I guess it’s true about redheads, we do have funny reactions to anesthesia.  I knew about the bleeding issues, and deep veins, but just learned about the anesthesia, thing.

I wonder what else happens to us????

I very rarely post comments on others blogs, but I did so today. 

YES, I am from the 60’s, so I have seen some of the most cheesy, hair, make-up, movies, music, TV, etc….

I am not a morning person, but I will stay up until 3a.m. (Don’t sleep well.)  The only time I watch TV is at night.  Big fan of CSI’s, Burn Notice, Saving Grace.  On occasion I watch those pseudo reality shows, Family Jewels, Hogan Knows Best, Two Coreys.

The latest show was the Two Corey’s.  The episode I caught was difficult to watch. C.H. talked about how he felt betrayed by C.F., for not “doing something”.  I could relate to that, but could also see where another child would not be able to speak up.  I had a similar situation with my abuser.  He was married to my aunt, so he was welcomed into my family, and made himself very comfortable.

I really don’t think outsiders understand the damage that is done to the victims of sexual abuse.  There are so many negative feelings that go along with it.  Anger, sadness, no confidence, no self worth, hate, rage, self destruction, sleep problems, behavioral issues, lack of trust, constant fear, suicidal tendencies, etc…             Even now I have not told people everything that happened, outsiders would not understand.  From the time I was about 5 until I was 11, I endured physical abuse, but for 30 years it has been private pain.

I don’t want or expect people to feel sorry for me.  If they do, then that makes me unlike the rest of the world.  I just want to fit someplace….. I am very aware that I view people differently, so I will never truly fit.

I envy women that can put themselves on display, without fear.  I have never had that feeling, and have always felt uncomfortable with being sexualized.  Fear holds me back from finding my strength, in appealing to men.  I get uncomfortable when a man finds me attractive, and then wants to give me a casual hug or touch. The fear of being backed into a corner, grabbed, held down, or smothered, is still overwhelming.

I still function as a person, I have a husband, kids, home, a life, but uncertainty, fear, and suspicion taint that.  I work very hard at keeping my self unreadable.  I am emotional, but do so silently.  To show my molester fear, emotion, or anything like that, just got him off.           I will say that I have learned how to have appropriate responses to daily life.  The other part of me is thinking the worst.

I liken victims of abuse to people with Alzheimer’s.  The effects are similar, it’s like dealing with 2 different people.  One in the here and now, and the other still remembering the past.

Trust does not come easily.

While I have never abused drugs or alcohol, I very easily could have.  There was also a time that suicide was my only option.  I really never expected to live to see 21.  Now that I have reached 40, I feel that my life is a gift.  I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There are so many highs and lows in the life of an abuse victim, that I feel that this is one of my highs, and I am waiting for the rug to yanked so I will have another low.  It truly prevents me from enjoying life to the fullest.  I need to work on having real unguarded happy moments.

I’m sure there are many others who feel similar.

This is one of those very negative posts, but I still have hope……….

I am new to the blog, but I do like the anonymity of it.  I don’t invite people to view my blog, since I use it as a place to vent, rant, or unload.  It can be negative, but I always shoot for positive.  The appeal of it is that I can self analyze, and on occasion others will help too.  In doing this I feel that it can help with peoples issues of frustration, anger, loneliness, betrayal, hurt, etc…

I don’t propose to be the smartest person in the world, but I posses some intelligent moments. (I think that’s better than having none.)